A Trip to the Wilderness (John/Karl chat)

[horseboykarl]

The day dawns slightly overcast, and that is fine with me, the fish always bite better on cloudy days. I got most of my gear together last night, but I double check that I have everything. I was thrilled when Bernard called and proposed this camping trip with him and John. Anytime I can escape away with Bernard is a good time, and well, I haven’t spent that much time with John, but I’m looking forward to the trip with him, cause he’s always seemed like a great guy.

Ire is watching my every move. “What did I forget, boy?” It’s always something, hopefully something minor this time. He wags his tail, he knows something’s up and when I get out the camping gear, he knows he’s invited. “Let’s see . . . sleeping bag . . . tent . . . dog food . . . fishing rod . . . tackle . . . oh, wait, I bought that new spinner bait I planned to try . . . where did I put it?” I locate the lure and resume my catalogue. Lanterns, beer, cooler, food in case we aren’t successful. Oh, yes, dry clothes. Not a real camping trip without at least one rainstorm.

I start loading the truck and as I’m coming back in the house for another pile, I hear the phone ringing. It’s Bernard with bad news.

“No, mate, that’s totally fine, I understand. . . I’ll miss you, but these things can’t be helped . . . the trip? . . . no, it’s alright, we can go when you get back . . . yeah, I don’t mind going with John by myself . . . did you talk to him? . . . all right, I’ll call him when I’m ready to leave . . . take care of yourself, mate.”

I put the phone down, feeling badly for Bernard, feeling bad for myself, and then feeling bad because of that.

You’re a daft bugger, Urban. Just relax, you don’t have to feel the weight of the world.

But I’m glad that the trip isn’t cancelled, I was really looking forward to getting away for a bit.

Last thing I load is Ire’s travel kennel, and with a command, “Up, boy,” he’s in and we’re on our way.

John: I was disappointed when Bernard said he couldn't make it, but glad that Karl wanted to go ahead with the trip. I've only been out once since I got back from the States, and that was just for the day. And after what happened last night …

I shudder and push that thought back down. No need to let Denethor tarnish today as well.

You drive up even earlier than I expected, and I'm glad of it. I think I'll feel much better once we're on the road. You help me load my gear in the back – looks like between us we should be able to survive a week in the wild – and slide in the seat beside you. "Good thing Bernard's not coming along, we would have had to put him in the back with


your dog." Much as I'll miss the old man, I am glad I'll get a chance to get to know you better. Sure we were friendly on the set, but I can't say I really know you. This should help rectify that. "I haven't been in on any of the planning here. Bernard said you were a local and he was leaving it in your hands." I chuckle, feeling
relaxed already as the suburbs fly by and we speed out of town. "Glad you're not the one who backed out or we'd be lost. So are we going somewhere special?"

Karl: “Well, since we both agreed that we had the time free for a longer trip, I thought we’d drive up to Te-Urewera. It’s a bit of a drive, but well worth it, absolutely gorgeous, huge wilderness. Hope you don’t mind the distance.”

You mention it will be good to get away for a while and I grin at you, in total agreement.

“I ran into your daughter before the holidays, and we had a bit of a chat about your fishing habits. She said that she thought you were more of a relaxed type of fisherman, instead of being all intense about it. Good thing about Te-Urewera, it’s got all sorts of waters, so we should be able to find something we both like. Sound like a plan?”

John: "Yeah, Sam told me she ran into you." I shake my head. "Don't know what she knows of my fishing habits, but Te-Urewera does sound like a great choice. I'm definitely up for the drive."

And it gives us a chance to get to know each other. At first we talk generalities like fishing, going over all the spots Bernard and I've discovered. You share a few of your secret hideaways that I promise we'll check out. Then our talk shifts to acting. You're full of stories about working on Riddick, and when I reveal that Dame Judi's always been one of my favourite actors you have me in stitches telling me about her antics on the set. And as the hours fly by, I start to think I might have convinced you to join the company at the Backstage … "assuming you do well in the try-outs," I add with a grin that makes you roll your eyes.

My worries fade as the miles roll past, and from the way you're smiling now, your arm hanging out the open window, I think you needed this trip as much as I did. We're talking easily now, and neither of us has brought up that telling question, "what brought you back to Wellie?" I already know the answer, Bernard told me about your shift and how concerned he's been for you. But you seem to want to forget about it now, and I'm more than happy to go along with that. Maybe we both need some time to feel normal again.

Almost before I know it, we catch our first glimpse of Lake Waikaremoana. "Would you look at that…" And by the time you've gotten us to our campground, I feel like we've entered another world. We unload the truck and free Ire, who watches with me as you expertly pitch your tent. And then it's time to hit the water. I rub my hands together in anticipation. "The fish are already trembling, I can feel it."

Karl: By the time I get the camp set up, tent erected, fire pit dug and lined, the sun is fading fast, perfect time for fishing. I sort out my tackle, debating what to use. "Here, John, you do the important part, there's beer in that green chilly bin. How bout cracking a couple? Which rod are you using, I'll get it rigged."

You hand me your rod, a nice composite with a very fast tip, it has light line on it already so I tie on a surface running Rapala, these browns are going to be hitting the midges on the surface this time of day.

I decide to use my fly rod, I'm way out of practice with it, and I put on a light leader and a dry mosquito fly. I exchange your rod for a beer, and I motion to the point running out into the lake. "They should be coming up to feed off that point this time of evening."

Soon the only sound is the zing of our tackle as we send our lures floating over the water. The night is growing deeper and the peace of the wilderness settles over me. It's been too long.

John: This is pure heaven. The moon's risen high in the sky even before the sun sets, and now it casts a soft glow over the water. "Gotta hand it to you, Karl, you do know the best fishing spots." And with the beer, everything's just that much better. I'm feeling very relaxed now, enough that I even chuckle at the thought of Denethor finding himself in the midst of this park. What would the Steward do in the wilderness I wonder? He never seemed like the camping type to me, more likely to have servants carry a feather mattress out into the wilds for him.

You're looking over at me, flashing me a curious eye. And I sigh a little, knowing that I need to tell you what I was thinking. Because really, the chances of Denny coming through on one of these nights isn't that far-fetched. "I was just imagining Denethor trying to clean a fish. Not saying I want to see that, mind you, but if it happened I'd love for you to get a picture of it for me." You are giving me the strangest look now, so I have to come clean. "I know about Éomer, Karl. And as bad as you think it is, believe me, at least he's not a half-mad power-hungry Steward. I'm just telling you in case … well, in case anything out of the ordinary happens tonight. Hopefully he'll keep his distance, but I never know for sure."

Karl: You surprise me with your revelation, but I'm flattered that you trust me with it. But I suppose we are stuck in the same trap, you and I, so why wouldn't you trust me. The talk of shifting doesn't get me ruffled like it usually does, the peace I felt earlier staying with me, and I think maybe I have found another kindred spirit, like Gareth and Bernard.

"Uh, yeah, I suppose Éomer is sane by Middle Earth standards. Fuck, John, Denethor? I guess I never thought how much worse things could be for me."

I pull in my line one last time. "I have some steaks that I brought along when Bernard said he wasn't coming. The fire should be hot enough, and I'll put some potatoes in the coals, are you hungry?"

You nod and we turn back to the campsite, where Ire is waiting patiently for us. He knows better than to come around and scare the fish. We get dinner on the fire, the two of us falling into a relaxed system of dividing the work.

"I don't know how much you know about my situation, but I've been fighting Éomer since I looked in the bowl. I have sort of a truce going with him at the moment, so he won't bust in on us. But if Denethor shows up, what do I do?" I can't imagine the stress it must put you under, not knowing . . . I couldn't handle it, so I fight. I don't know which way is better.

John: "Do?" I can't help my little snort of amusement. "God I wish I knew. I honestly think that he comes over when no one in Gondor will listen to his rants. He's not dangerous … well, not unless you're a museum guard." That elicits a strange look from you, which I dismiss with a wave of my hand. "But for the most part, as far as I can tell, if he comes over he'll just spout a few insults and then goes away, and leaves me with a wretched headache."

I dig a few more beers out of the cooler and hand you one as I settle in my campchair by the fire. The glowing coals sputter as the juices from the steaks spill onto them, and I realise I'm ravenous. By the time you hand me my plate, we're both down another beer, and I think both feeling relaxed enough to talk about this whole shifting thing. "To tell you the truth, if I could work out a truce with Denethor, I almost wouldn't mind things too much. He's just so unpredictable ..." I look up at you almost sheepishly. "I had a date last night, you know. First date I've had since Penny left, and it was really nice. Dinner, a movie, coffee afterwards. And … you know, I started thinking things might be normal again. But then, after I took her home, the Steward decided to show up. And I guess I should be grateful that he didn't come out earlier. But … well, I just think I've been using the shift as an excuse not to get on with life. I think instead I've got to figure out how to live with this albatross somehow."


Karl: Good to know that insults are the worst thing your shift brings, those I can handle. If he came out fighting . . . or worse, seducing . . . like Théodred. I can't imagine having a shift who is genuinely unstable.

And then you are talking about trying to live a normal life . . . I have no wisdom to offer you. I lean back against a log, my hand buried in Ire's fur, my other wrapped around a beer, staring at the fire.

"I didn't work the truce with Éomer, I ran across his cousin who was . . . uh, eager to have Éomer visit Wellie, so I agreed that if Éomer left me alone the rest of the time, he could come through on a controlled basis."

I ponder, my hand combing Ire. "If there was someone Denethor respected enough to listen to . . . perhaps."

But your talk of your date leads me to thoughts of my own research and my uncomfortable conclusion that a normal life was something that has been put beyond my reach. And I remember the man who caught my attention with his sparkling green gaze, Eric. "I met someone recently . . . who I like . . . but I can never do anything about it. To have a normal relationship with him . . . I'm afraid that can never happen. Not with this . . . albatross . . . perfect description."

John: "Éomer's cousin?" It takes me a minute to figure out that you mean Paris' shift. "You've made a deal with him?" You nod bleakly, and I shake my head. "Christ, it's like they're holding you hostage. Not that I can blame you. For a guarantee of peace I'd do the same thing." I smirk as I add, "Unfortunately nobody is that eager to see Denny. And as for someone he respects … well, I think that's part of his problem, really. He gave up listening to anybody, or trusting anybody else …"

You motion towards the cooler and I reach in for another couple of cans. Don't know whether it's the warm buzz of alcohol or the bold dancing flames of our bonfire, or if it's just having the freedom to talk about this with someone going through the same thing. Whatever it is, I feel emboldened and able to speak my mind. "That's not how I want to end up, lonely and alone like Denny. And you shouldn't either, Karl. At least you have some freedom, even if it does come at a price. You have to pay up either way, so you should at least be enjoying the time that you're free of Éomer."

Karl: Holding you hostage. Your words send off an uncomfortable resonance within me as the memory of Théodred threatening my freedom after I insulted his precious horseboy snakes through my head. I push it aside, not tonight, tonight is about peace.

"I don't want to end up alone either, John, but I don't see how to avoid it." My face grows grim at the thought that I will be stuck with Éomer for the rest of my life. "This guy, he's handsome and nice and funny, but . . . how do you start a relationship with anybody when there is this secret that you have that is so large it nearly overwhelms you? Secrets kill affairs and this one isn't minor. So there's no point in even starting with him, I know it will end badly."

I sigh deeply, my hand scratching Ire's ears. "The only other option is to be with someone else that has a shift, and that's not really an option either. Even if I were interested, there's none of them I could see myself with long-term."

We sit in silence again, listening to the night noises of the forest. "What about you? How will you cope with it?"

John: That's the question, isn't it. "I don't know, Karl. I really don't know." I'm silent for a minute, but you don't say anything, and I know you're waiting for more of an answer than that. I wish I had one to give. "My wife left me a year ago. And I've spent the last year wandering in a daze. I don't even know where the days have gone, to be honest. They don't seem to be that different from each other, and when I look back and realise a whole year's gone by, it doesn't seem real. I can't blame that on Denethor. I would have done that with or without shifting, I think."

My beercan is empty again. How does that keep happening? But my tongue's loosened now, and even if I don't have the answers I do have thoughts that I haven't been able to talk to anyone about, not yet. "I like this woman a lot, Karl. She's interesting, and intelligent, and beautiful…" My voice trails as I remember how she looked last night, her long hair swirling around her shoulders in the summer breeze. "I don't have any idea what I'm going to tell her. At this point, I don't even know if I'll need to – it was just a first date." And I felt as giddy about it as I did when I was in high school. "I want to see where it goes, I guess, without having to think about Denethor." I look over at you, the flames flashing shadows across your face. "Is that selfish of me?"

Karl: "Selfish? Not at all. Good on you, mate." I raise my beer to you in salute. "You are far braver than I am. And I wish you the best of luck with her."

I lean back again, my mind working. You have given me lots of things to think about and the thought of the long years ahead of me with no one beside me brings despair to my heart.

If I could find the courage from somewhere . . . there's no guarantee in any relationship, that things will work out . . . but my emotions are still so raw. I admire you, the enthusiasm in your voice, your willingness to at least try.

"Hey," I say softly. "Let me know how it goes? Maybe . . . maybe I'll get the nerve to try it myself."

John: "Yeah, I'll let you know, mate, soon as I know what's happening myself." I laugh a bit at the thought that you believe me brave. I feel anything but. I feel like a kid with a crush on the girl in math class, the one who looks at him a little longer than she should, a lot less than he wants her to. It's been a long time since I've had these butterflies, and nervous as they make me, I'm reveling in the tickle of their wings.

I finish the last bite of my steak. "Karl, that was delicious. I'd bet you could find someone willing to put up with an occasional visitor from Rohan, as long as you were cooking for them." And as for me, if I could have one wish, I think it would be for my next trip to Te-Urewera to be a getaway, just for you and me, and Bernard next time, definitely, a brief respite from our partners who we love dearly, and who love us, but who we've left safe and sound at home.