horseboykarl

This morning has been four days. Four days since my bargain with Théodred, and I have not sensed my shift. I even got slightly pissed last night, not enough to be sick today, but enough that my mind wasn’t capable of stopping him. And he did nothing. Freedom. He promised me a week of freedom and that’s how I feel. Free. I roll over, tangled in my sheets, being lazy, enjoying the feeling of relaxing mentally as well as physically.

The day is gorgeous, slanting sunlight pouring in through my windows. The trees are shifting lightly in the small breeze. I have some scripts to read over, but I can’t be bothered. Too nice a day to stay inside.

One small thing marring my contentment. I have to fix things with a certain redhead. Not the hot one, I smirk, feeling a lazy stirring of interest. The annoying one. Okay, well, he’s hot too, but mostly annoying. I’ve been an arse, but dammit, my head has been totally and beyond messed up. I hope he forgives me for everything and I shake my head at the long list of things I’ve screwed up in that direction.

Time to plan, Urban. He did say I could use his beach anytime I wanted, course that was before life went all to shit. But he seemed awfully proud of that pretty filly of his. Maybe if I showed up with Smokey Joe, and flattered him a bit about his riding skills, we could have a bit of a gallop and talk.

I pull on my usual uniform, jeans, boots and a T-shirt, hitch the trailer to the truck and get Smokey. I’ve been neglecting him, too, can’t remember the last time I had him out. He’s excited, prancing a bit, but we get into the trailer easy.

I drive over to Dave’s and then my plans hit a snag, he’s not home. I sit on the steps for a moment, completely lost. Now what? It’s still a beautiful day, so I decide to take Smokey out anyway. Maybe he’ll be home later and we can still ride. I let down the ramp and Smokey dances out.

“Okay, big fella,” I laugh. “I know, I’m ready for the wind, too.” I pull the bridle over his ears and then decide against the saddle, living dangerously, but, bugger it, just feels like that kind of day. I decide to go bareback too and strip off the shirt and boots. The sun feels glorious on my back as I heave myself aboard, and guide the gelding down the path to the beach. We race down the strand a ways, working the kinks out and come back slowly. I know I’m delaying what I really came here for, but it’s too fucking nice out here. I finally give Smokey his head and lean over his withers, petting him and talking to him as he ambles along. I will wait a little while longer and then go back up and see if Dave has come home yet.

Dave: I didn't really want to run errands so early, but I'm out of dog food and I don't think the girl would be fooled by kindling soaked with gravy. As long as I'm out, I grab a few groceries to make the trip worthwhile, then head back home. I'm surprised to see a truck and trailer where I usually park. I'm not expecting any deliveries. Waaait, that's a horse trailer, and I know that truck. I sit behind the wheel of my car, my heart suddenly pounding, and take a few long deep breaths. Karl's here. And he brought his horse.

I want to hope for the best. Want to hope that he's gotten my messages. I'm going to go with that hope.

Since I don't see him near the stables, the only logical conclusion is that he's gone down to the beach. I'm already dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, so I stuff the groceries in the kitchen, quickly feed Ise, and go saddle up Laurelea.

As I hit the end of the narrow trail and emerge onto the beach, I see him, not far off. He came here, Dave. Go say hello, and let him talk. Listen. Really listen to him this time.

"Hey, Karl. It's good to see you. Beautiful day for a ride on the beach." I pause a few beats, then turn the conversation over to him. "How are you, mate?"

Karl: I sit up startled, I didn't hear you coming. Smokey shifts nervously, and I force myself to calm down, for myself and the horse. Now that's it's finally on me, I'm so unnerved, I'm sweating.

I turn towards you, taking it slowly, trying to read your expression, but I've never been very good at that. You seem calm, not mad at me, but not teasing either, maybe we can actually talk.

I pull Smokey up beside your mare, letting them sniff. "Hello, Dave, it's been awhile." I know I'm awkward, I want to get our easy friendship back, but I know it's not going to be easy, and I'm unbelievably nervous.

"I'm better than I have been." I swallow thickly. "You?"

Dave: It's impossible not to notice how nervous you are. I fight back my impulse to grin and find a way to make you smile, I need to see you relax but that's not the way. Slow and steady, Dave, what he needs isn't necessarily what's the easiest thing to give. Give him some time and room to talk, take this a step at a time.

"Better is good, I'm really glad to hear that. I've been all right, I guess." Laurelea tosses her head a bit, then settles back down, slowly getting comfortable with Smokey Joe. I know how you feel, girl - wonder who'll settle in first, the horses or their owners?

"You're braver than me, riding bareback. My girl would probably let me, but I'd probably manage to fall off. I think I'm a decent rider... but I've got my limits. Some things I'm just not very good at." I glance up and catch your eyes, just for a second.

Karl: I am wound so tight that Smokey moves restlessly again. I try for a joke, "I don't worry about falling off, so much as not flattening my nuts. Gotta be careful how I sit." Except that I'm so nervous that I can't put a laugh into the statement and it comes out like I'm lecturing you. I curse under my breath and rake a hand through my hair.

I grit my teeth. "Look, Dave, I need to say some things to you, and I need to say everything, without jokes or interruptions, because it's fucking hard and if I get distracted I'll never get it out. OK?"

Dave: I cough nervously at your attempt at what I think is a joke, and then you ask me to just listen. I want to ask you if you're comfortable just talking like this, or if you want to get down and walk, or go back to the house... no, Dave, don't distract him, he asked you not to, he needs to just get on with this. "Okay, Karl. I'm listening."

Karl: Ok, you gave me my space to do this my own way, that helps me a lot. Now, shit, where do I start? With the worst thing or go in order? Fuck.

"I didn't know I could actually talk to my shift . . . so we've been battling each other ever since I looked in the bowl. Part of the reason why I ran away for so long. Easier to fight him off when I'm not here with memories and people."

I comb my hands through Smokey's mane, the contact soothing me. "I thought I had lost my mind, thought Éomer was a product of my deranged imagination, that the shit he pulled was stuff that I wanted to do subconsciously."

I look at you hoping you understand at least that much. "Do you see?"

Dave: It's been so long since I've been at odds with Faramir that I guess I've forgotten how hard it can be. And... well, I'm never going to know how hard this is for you, I think you've got things much tougher than I do. You're a strong, stubborn man, and so's your shift. I listen and nod, and twist the reins around my hand to keep from reaching for yours. "I think I see what you mean. Maybe... tell me if I'm wrong. I really do want to understand. When I saw you last time... did you think that you wanted Paris, and that it was being expressed through another part of your own mind?"

Karl: Oh, god, you asked me the worst possible question. Deal with it, Urban, you got yourself into this.

"I don't know Paris, not really," I say carefully. "And I wouldn't have known how to find him. . . "

I grit my teeth. "What I thought was . . . that I had somehow run into him . . . and then slept with him to hurt you. But I didn't think I wanted to hurt you, I had thought that I cared enough about you to want you to be happy."

I look out at the horizon, afraid to meet your eyes, afraid to see the condemnation there. "But when I woke up with Paris, it meant that I must be a lot more twisted then I had thought . . . that I wasn't the man I thought I was."

I won't lie to you, but I hope I haven't told you enough for you to guess the entire truth.

Dave: As much as I still don't blame you... it pulls at my gut to hear you talk about sleeping with Paris. Yeah, I know what happened, but I know you didn't plan it. Still, it's Paris and to think of him in bed with you... I have to keep these feelings in their niches, though. Yes, I'm pissed. But that anger is for someone else, not you.

I'm actually glad you can't see me, maybe it's easier for both of us, right now, for starters. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You've always been a fine man in my eyes. And you still are. But, what about now, Karl? Do you still think you're twisted?"

Karl: I shrug. "I've been lectured by several people about this shift thing, Bernard especially, that Éomer is separate from me and his actions aren't mine." I'll wait to see if you forgive me first before I tell you who else has been talking to me.

"But when you came to the house the other day, I was still in that place, I still thought that I was evil somehow. And it hurt, knowing I was this awful person. So I tried to avoid everyone, especially you . . . because I was afraid of what I might do. And when you laughed at me . . . " I wince. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have treated you like that."

Dave: "Karl... turn around a minute, look at me? Please?" You hesitate, but finally you manage to face me. "I'm sorry too. I felt awful later on, when I really stopped to think how I acted. I wasn't laughing at you. My intent was good but I acted like an idiot. So, how about we forgive each other? I'd like that."

It's still not enough though. I want you to know why I acted like that. "Karl... there's a little more to it. This isn't the first time I've had to face a situation similar to this. And the last time, I was so angry. I didn't understand so many things. I lashed out, I
was ... christ, I was horrible, Karl. And I made an enemy that day of someone that should have been a friend. It took a long, long time before we could even be in the same room together. When I came to see you that day, I swore I wouldn't turn one of my best friends into an enemy. But I went too far in the other direction."

Karl: So you have your ghosts, too. I suppose we all do, it's just that ours can come out and play sometimes. I nod. "Okay, I get it. And we forgive each other."

I really want to just hug you, now that I know we can eventually get our friendship back. But I've got to tell you everything and this is the part I'm sure you're not going to like. "I still haven't found a way to control my shift, but I think I've found someone who can. His cousin."

Dave: I have to stop and think it through for a few seconds. Gotta admit, some days it would help to have a spreadsheet to keep us all figured out. Karl's shift is Éomer, so his cousin would be... oh, fuck. Théodred. And Théodred's shift is Paris.

I try to keep my voice level as I speak. "If you think Théodred can 'control' anyone, you might want to think twice." That came out pretty bitter. Find out what's on Karl's mind, don't judge him yet, Dave. "I'm sorry, that wasn't aimed at you. I want what's best for you, Karl... I just don't trust Théodred. And I have to wonder why you do too. He's the reason you and I ended up like this. You know that, don't you?"

Karl: I knew you would hate me having anything to do with Théodred, if nothing else because of Paris. But he's the only one who can get through to Éomer so far, and I need the peace he can give me.

I sigh. "He apologized for that and I do trust him. He proved himself to me." Dammit, you don't seem to know about our deal, wonder if Théodred has told Paris about it yet. Well, this could screw up everything again, but I can't fucking lie to you.

"I made a bargain with him. He got me a week's worth of peace from Éomer. That's the only reason why I'm strong enough to be here talking to you. Because I know my fucking shift won't interfere."

Dave: I think it's all finally hitting me exactly how difficult all of this is for you. "Karl... I'm sorry, I really didn't know things were as bad as all this. So, you're saying you basically bought a week of freedom through Théodred?" And there it is again, that anger starting to build in me. How dare these shifts hold you hostage in your own body, in your world?

"What was the price you paid?" Price? More like ransom money. "And after a week... then what? Éomer comes back with a vengeance and you're dropped back into your own little hell? Karl, I'm worried about you, if you want to know the truth."

Karl: "The price? Éomer. He wants Éomer. I agreed that at the end of the week I would shift out and Éomer could shift in for one whole day." You can think whatever you want to about why Théodred made that deal. I don't understand him, but some of the things Bernard said at least gave me an idea of what he's after.

"I don't know what's going to happen after, but he's helped me so far. You don't understand where I was." I cringe, remembering how Bernard found me.

Dave: My short laugh comes out more of a snort. It doesn't sound like 'help' for you, sounds like Théodred thinking with his cock again. But I don't want to interrogate you on this. You've been through enough and as far as I'm concerned, you're still in a bad place. But you're opening up, you're talking to me again, and I don't want you to think of me as the former friend who just gets mad about everything.

I see you cringe. You're worried about what comes next, after this week, and after Éomer's day. For the moment, we've probably talked enough. "Karl, whatever comes afterwards, you know you don't have to face it alone, anymore? You have friends who understand what's really happening with you now, right? You know I want to see you happy again. And this was pretty clever of you, mate, have this conversation on horseback so I can't give you a hug without falling off."

Karl: I'm so relieved that you aren't going ballistic at the idea of Théodred being with Éomer, that I nudge Smokey over to your filly. "Easily fixed." And I pull you off your horse and drag you onto mine, ignoring your squawking and sputtering.

I knee Smokey in warning and he holds still. I hug you tight enough that I think I hear your ribs starting to creak. "Thank you for understanding."

I don't know what's going to happen after, I can't think that far ahead. I just don't want to fall back into that black pit that Bernard found me in, and if I have to make deals with the devil to save my sanity, I'll do it.

Dave: Impulsive git! It's lucky we both didn't fall right off! But I'm smiling even as I'm silently chiding you. This is the Karl I've missed. Impulsive, strong... and talking to me again. That's good. I hang on tight, returning the hug in full, even reaching to stroke your hair just a little. "Thank you for not giving up on me. I'm so glad you came over today. And... you do realize if we fall off this beast, I'm so kicking your ass, Urban."

Karl: I laugh at you. Things aren't totally fixed, but at least I know we can get there.

Luckily, your horse hasn't taken off in fright at my antics. I wrap one arm around you and reach out for her reins with the other. "What a sweet little girl you are," I croon and she pulls over easily.

"I'll hold her, get your leg in a stirrup." We manage to get you back in the saddle without either horse shying, and I grin at you, a challenge in my eyes.

"My ribs aren't busted anymore, now who's a geezer?" And I hit Smokey's ribs and take off. "Bet you can't catch me!"